Nostalgia

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Nostalgia is an evil thing. Some days, it is only joy, laughter, and butterflies fluttering away. Other days, it’s poison. It’s a trap. You get sucked into a tunnel of thoughts, emotions, memories, moments spent with this person, which leads into every single thought, emotion, memory, moment spent with them. The high points, full of true love and happiness. The low points, full of broken glass shards, and empty nights spent alone.

I’m at a constant battle in my head whether i deserve someone in my life or not. Why? I’d love to know too. I know i’m deserving and a heck of a lot stronger than i think i am, but my heart says otherwise. I give far too much of myself to people that don’t deserve me in their life. That’s the horrible part. I decipher wether this person is more deserving, which is normally the case. This person deserves way better than me…

…sorry to sound egotistical, but I am an incredible person. i’ve been through hell and back, i’ve received help for my mental illness, i am a confident person in myself, i’m proud of what i do, and who i am, i’ve made something of myself. I have every possible attribute someone would want, but this person deserves more. They always deserve more.

I feel as if nostalgia loves to play with my heart and mind. Leaving every possible trail back into the past, when I just want to be in the present. Recently, I have fallen back into the past. The people in my past, events in the past, emotions in the past, feelings in the past, and I hate it. I hate feeling horrible over the people that left me. Why do I take the blame for everything?

I’ve also started to compare the people in my past with the people in my present and i hate it. I feel like I’m being taken control of. I tell myself, “No, don’t read those messages. Don’t hurt yourself.” But the next thing I know, I’m reading the messages that once made me feel alive. Comparing them with the ones i receive now from the people that actually love me, and i’m upset about it? i’m sad they’re not like how they used to be. i’m sad they’re not like this person’s messages. i’m sad i don’t feel the things i did with this person’s messages. i’m disappointed in myself for falling into that mind set. The people in my past are in my past for a reason. The people in my present are in my present for a reason. I wish I could take my own advice one and a while.

I’ve also been in a battle wether i want to let people in again or not. I feel as if i’m ready, but my anxiety gets the best of me. I normally can control it, make my own decisions, but lately, i haven’t been able to. Some days, I just want it to be me and no one else, Other days, i want to share it with someone, but i freakout about it. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll waist more of my time, my heart, and energy on someone. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know if I feel anymore.


If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I needed to vent to someone. Normally, I would talk to my best friends about this, but i just feel so ashamed for what i’m thinking. Writing it was easier. No one can judge me.

-j.

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