When it All Fell Down

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this is my painting “When it All Fell Down” that i have been working on for the past month. i wanted to sit down and write about it because i’ve been asked many questions about it.

“is the girl you?”

“why is she crying?”

“what’s the story behind this painting?”

etc…

i want to answer all of them today, tell my story, and the reason i painted what i did. so here is the story of “When it All Fell Down“:


At the beginning, i went into this painting feeling drenched in anxiety, worry, and over all feeling alone. i felt the weight of school, family, friends, my own self, all piled on top of each other and it was suffocating me. i came home one day from summer school, feeling completely overwhelmed. i felt i would break at any minute. i remember i told my friend in the class, “i want to cry.” most of the time when i say that, i don’t mean it because i can normally keep myself somewhat together, but i couldn’t anymore. i walked in the front door, sat down by my mom and cried. i cried it all out. i was having so much anxiety about the littlest things.

later that night, i was sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing, i told myself, ” i can’t do this anymore, i can’t keep sitting doing nothing and feeling awful full about myself, so i grabbed a canvas. i took the biggest canvas i had and drew. i didn’t know what i was going to draw, but i just drew. i wanted every feeling i had out and that’s what i did.


The Girl: i started with the girl. now. this girl is not me. i did not go into this wanting a self portrait. i wanted a portrait of what was going on inside of me. so, in a sense, it’s a self portrait of me inside. The girl isn’t crying, that’s not what my intention was when drawing her. i see her as holding her head in frustration and worry. if you believe her to have tears, then she has tears, but me personally, she doesn’t have tears.

I drew the girl with no face because, again, this is me on the inside, so there is no face. it’s whoever you believe her to be.


The Background: I got the inspiration for the background from an artist i love on Instagram. Her name is Elena Gual. Her work, her style, everything she creates is incredible. She was a big inspiration to this painting alone.

the background took two whole days. i spent so much time making sure every swipe was perfectly imperfect. yes. i used a lot of paint, but with every swipe of paint, a swipe of anxiety was relieved, so i didn’t mind. I had a lot of fun with this palette knife technique. i think i’ll definitely do more in the future.

I chose the colors red, black, and white because those were the colors i was feeling. i talked to a friend one day and said, “it’s been very black and white, there’s no real gray area.” i can’t remember why i said it, but i did and it stuck through this painting. the red, i felt, said anxiety. i went with what my heart wanted to pour out.


this painting has helped me with so much throughout this passed month. i know it’s insanely cheesy, but art is truly my outlet. a way to escape, my therapy, my safe place, my home. i still struggle with my anxiety, i still worry, i still cry, that will never change, but this painting has made it all a little more bearable.

i am so insanely proud of this painting. it’s a piece i cherish close to my heart. of course, the artist in me, i have little critics that no one will notice, but i know they’re there, so it’s not perfect. art is never “perfect” there’s always something we wish we could have done better, but that’s okay. that’s a part of growing.


The Process:


thank you so much for taking your own time to read about this piece. it means the absolute world. many more paintings to come and so much more. have a wonderful day and keep creating.

-j.

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