Today I felt like popping on and writing about a bunch of my thoughts I’m having since I haven’t really been doing that as much as I would like. Anyway, Easter just passed and I had four days off, which was something I didn’t realize how much I needed, mentally. Prior to that I was doing okay. I wasn’t the best me I could be, but I was doable. Once the weekend started I felt a panic in me the whole time. I had nothing to worry about, I had no reason to feeling so anxious, but I did. Now, I’m not saying I have severe anxiety, because I don’t, but there are time that I stress out over nothing and work myself up over if. Yes, there have been times, especially in school, where I just can’t handle the weight of it all, so I end up exploding or in other words breaking. Even recently, I came home and I completely broke down into tears because I was so emotionally and physically done with everything. I didn’t want to do it, I couldn’t handle it, and I just needed a break.
The difference about this situation is that I kept pushing myself to keep going when I knew for a fact I was going to snap at any minute. I still do that, I really try not to, but I do because I’m stuck in the mindset that I always need to be doing something, anything, always improving. I would love to be able to constantly be working on growing in my craft, but it’s not human. I feel guilty for taking a break, yet I know I need it. So, this weekend I did. I felt frozen. Stuck doing absolutely nothing, while being around people I loved. As weird as a feeling it was, I needed that.
Over the past couple weeks specifically, I’ve been really thinking about friendships, relationships, connections I have with everyone around me, and everything that has come and gone. And I’ve noticed that majority of the reasons why a “friend” had left or an acquaintance never turned into a friend is because it wasn’t right. Now, I know that sounds so cheesy and obvious, but the reason I’m bringing it up is because I always ask myself, “Why wasn’t it right? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What didn’t I do enough of? etc… I always blame myself because that’s who I am. I’m an empath, so I try to put all the blame, the feelings, on me because I don’t want that person to suffer. I’ve always done that, and still do to this day. I put my heart and soul into every single person I meet, and come across because the idea of how we would connect or what the relationship could be makes me so curious, and when I’m curious, I want to know.
Something like this happened this year. Obviously I’m not going call out names because that’s just low, but if this person ever did read this, they defiantly would know it’s them, but oh well:
So, at the beginning of the school year I didn’t know anyone, except maybe a handful if that. And me being me, I was observing everything and everyone around me. Scoping out the different faces and voices, trying to get to know people without actually talking to them, you know? Anyway, this one person specifically stuck out to me. They seemed so familiar like I’ve met them before or I’ve seen them before, but I couldn’t put a name to them. So, whenever we were working I would listen to conversations they were having with other people. (Creepy I know, but this is how I figure things out, anyway.) I was trying to hear a name or anything really. I eventually found out their name and I followed them on social media and all that jazz. Time went on, they followed me back and we started to talk a little. Very dry conversation, but at the same I saw something there, as in a connection, friendship wise. So, we would talk through text, but when it came to school, me being the awkward individual I am, we never really talked or even made eye contact. If we did, it was forced. I felt a big barrier and I knew this friendship wasn’t going to work, but I really hoped it would take a turn. It never did. The only “hope” I had was when they said, “Yea I feel bad that we can’t talk, but I’m just busy.” I understand that people are busy and they have lives, but not even saying, “Hi” at school, texting hi out of no where when you do have time, or even making eye contact with me when we did talk is just plain rude. I’m a person that adores honesty and communication. I knew they didn’t want to talk to me, I knew it from the beginning, but I wanted to work at it and see if it could happen. Nothing ever happen. We remain acquaintances and I’m perfectly fine with that because they didn’t put an ounce of effort into it. I’ve finally learned that I do not deserve that. I normally have to relearn that with every new person, but I’m trying my best to grow from it.
There have been several ‘friendships’ of mine that have started and ended this year and yes, they did hurt at the time, but right now I feel more than blessed with the people I have. They genuinely care to talk to me, to have me around, to hangout with me, to listen to what I have to say, etc… I’m grateful for them nonetheless. There also have been people that have come into my life and almost poke in and then poke out. I know that is the dumbest analogy, but it’s the best I got, let me explain:
I met this person out of no where. I had always heard out about them, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then one day I met them. I got to talk a little with them, but nothing really major. After leaving where we were, I followed them on their social media, just to see what they’re up to. Time went on and they started to notice the things I was up to. We started to spiral into this deep conversation, that really stuck with me. I got to learn so much more about them than I ever thought I would. I had told them, that I would love to get to know them more, and the same thing happen as I excepted, drifting. This seems to be a reoccurring theme with every person I try to get to know. I’m always the one that has to put in the effort, and most of the time it never works. I never know how to start a conversation and when I do they do not care to talk to me. This is again, me trying way too hard and receiving nothing in return. I’m not asking for them to text me 24/7 or always talk to me. All I want is to know if they want me in their life and if I should even try. I want that friendship.When I do talk to them and they talk to me it goes back to normal, we connect again; and then they drift again, not talking to me at all. I’ve just come to accept the fact that every person you meet and connect with will not be a friend or a best friend, and that’s okay. I’d love to call this person a close friend, but I’ll wait until they’re ready.
If you’re somehow that person, that I was talking about. Don’t feel guilty. It’s okay. Don’t fake it. I know you’re a good person.
I grew up in a very small school. My class was my family and still is my family. I love them with all my heart and so much more. My good friends Matthew and Trevor are brothers to me. They always make me laugh, annoy me, and overall make me the happiest. They both have a special place in my heart; but my point is, the friendship that Matthew and Trevor have is something I have always adored. They are inseparable and honestly, brothers at heart. I had never seen such a strong connection like theirs in my life. They hate and love each other at the same time.
Going from seeing them everyday, to not seeing them at all makes me really miss them and having the connection I had with them. Then I met this group, and they remind me so much of them, that it’s creepy. The way they are, how they talk, everything. Over the school year I’ve gotten to know this group a lot more and I feel that connection and relationship I had with Matthew and Trevor all over again. Yes, it will never be the exact same as it was, but it’s a start. I adore this group and their connections and relationship. I’m glad I’m able to call them friends and a part of my life.
Although, it seems like I’ve had nothing, but bad luck with friendships, it’s really far from that. I have met some the most inspiring people ever and I can’t put into words how grateful I am. It’s crazy how the world works. I remember in summer school I had walked into the classroom, looked around and said in my head, “I want to be friends with them,” to a handful of people. And I didn’t talk to them at the time, but one thing led to another, they’re some of my best friends. Even people from the beginning of the year. I cherish them with all my heart and always will.
I really have come to terms with myself, that I am a great friend. I’m not saying that to sound self centered because I’m the farthest from that. I’m saying that because it’s the plain truth. I put effort into relationships, I’m always there to listen, to talk, I’m honest, trustworthy, and overall I treat people like they should be treated, with nothing but love and care. After going through the suckiest point in my life and being treated like I was nothing, I never want anyone to deal with that, ever.
This was defiantly all over the place and messy, but it’s what I’ve been thinking about. There is so much more to everything and more I have been thinking about, but that’s a piece of it. Thank you for listening to me ramble about nonsense. If you made it this far, I love you and I hope you’re doing well. Thank you. -j.